I can't believe I'm actually publishing this stuff on the internet.


The Perils of Online Dating
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Written for my creative writing class in college. This piece was featured in the Salmon Creek Journal (our school's art book) in 2015. So that's nice. Written in 2014. ~~~ I twirled my hair for what felt like the thousandth time tonight. “So what is it that you do again, Elliot?” I smiled. I was much more excited for the conclusion of our date than his response. We sat in a dimly lit Italian restaurant in one of the worst parts of the city. Of course, I purposely failed to mention the recent homicides in the neighborhood to the tall brunette currently sitting across from me when I'd suggested this location. I met Elliot online, on some corny dating website that had yet to provide me with a long lasting match. He and I had exchanged numbers, and later, numerous flirtations texts, and although I found his personality quite appealing I wasn’t sure that this would be the ‘one’ either. Then again I did have very… particular tastes. He rested his hands on the table in front of us, food long forgotten. It wasn’t that good anyway. “I’m a salesman for a local cleaning company. Boring stuff, I assure you.” He cocked his head and smiled back. “Remind me again what you do Liz.” Not many mundane details had passed between us. I knew he had an aquarium of salt water fish and a severe aversion to seafood but no other info came to mind immediately. I smoothed down the folds of my cobalt blue dress. To be honest, it was much too cold outside to be wearing such thin fabric, but my coat was hung up on the rack by the door to make up for it. “I work for the city morgue. I just kind of landed there and ended up enjoying it.” He eyed me cautiously. It was hard to hear over the din of the string quartet in the opposite corner. “That's hardly something I can imagine someone falling into, let alone enjoying it.” I shrugged and set my hands on the table, my fingers tracing over the gold bangle on my left wrist. After both of my hands had come to rest on the table he set his hand on mine. “Shall we get out of here? Maybe go somewhere a bit quieter?” I nodded and allowed him to pay the bill before we stepped out into the winter air. Half of the street lamps in this part of town didn’t work, but that was perfect for what I had intended to do tonight. We strode down the street, walking close to one another for warmth. I stopped abruptly, as if a rock had made its way into my shoe. Bending at the waist served well to hide my hand as I reached in my coat to pull out the revolver stuffed in the inside pocket. How the poor sap didn’t see this coming, I didn’t know. He had been so sweet. I almost felt bad. Almost. Elliot hovered over me, presumably to see what I was doing but that made it all the better when I finally stood up. With the barrel pressed to his chest I pushed him back into the alley that I had been sure to conveniently stop at. Elliot looked like a deer in the headlights. When his back finally hit the wall I spoke again. “Betcha didn’t think you would die tonight, did you?” A sudden calm washed over him. He almost looked smug. “Had you walked another block I’d be saying the same to you, Scarlet Witch. Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you. The tabloids call me Pistol Whip.” I blanched. “The Pistol Whip? 27 unsolved murders?” He nodded proudly. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to keep the gun to his chest or pull it back to have a halfway decent conversation. I really had no inclination to become number 28 today so I left the barrel where it was. “11 isn’t a bad record either. Say, do you maybe want to actually get to know each other? Like psychopath to psychopath?” He had a charming smile plastered on his face and the feminine side of me wanted to take him up on that. Though knowing what I would have done in his situation, I was forced to believe that it was just a ploy so that he could turn the tables on me. “Sorry darlin’, but I want to make it twelve.” I gave him the sexiest grin I could manage before moving the gun over his heart. Elliot began to look a bit concerned. "You know that may not kill me right? It least not immediately. It's too high and-" he started to bring his hand up. I tensed. Oh shit. Was I actually scared? A light flashed in my eyes so I turned my head. A cop? Full blown panic erupted in my head. I composed myself, plastered on a grin, and sweetened up my voice. “Hello officer. What can we do for you?” I pulled my body away from Elliot’s and slipped the gun into my coat as quickly and as smoothly as I could. The cop wanted to be tough but he was a rather portly fellow. He didn't seem so sure of himself either. “You two weren’t planning on, uh, copulating in this here alleyway were you? And what’s that in your pocket? I’ll have you know there are murderers running loose around here.” I glanced over at my dinner date and smirked, my confidence quickly returning. “Oh yes, officer, I know. We weren’t going to do anything illegal, I swear. Tell you what, if you bring that flashlight over here I’ll show you what’s in here.” I patted the pocket. Elliot had such a pained look on his face that I had to look again to see if I had shot him in my panicked haze. “No, Liz!” he hissed. The cop looked at him and then back to me before coming any closer. “It’s okay," I cooed. "He’s just not good at sharing things. Are you, honey?” His face softened in defeat. He already knew what I was about to do. When Officer Thompson got close enough that I could read his name tag, I swiped my foot under his, reached my hand in my pocket, pulled out the gun, and pulled the trigger. It was safe to say that I’d made it to 12. “What the fuck are you thinking?” Elliot seethed. He kept his voice low but surely someone had heard the gunshot. “You just killed a cop. That's game over.” He ran a hand through his hair. “We need to get out of here.” “Relax,” I cooed. “We’re going to be fine. Besides, what are you worried about? I’m the one with the gun.” I casually slipped it back in my pocket. He looked at me like I was a child. “Cops normally travel in pairs. It’s just what they do. One will probably be here soon.” Elliot grabbed my hand and dragged me farther into the alley. “How many bullets do you have left?” “Two.” I guess I maybe should have brought extra. I heard him mumble ‘good’ before we emerged onto the other street. “Where are we going?” “We’re leaving the state." I stopped and yanked my hand back. “We? What do you mean ‘we?’ We’ve been on one bullshit date. There is no ‘we.’” He smiled. “Where else are you going to meet a mass murderer besides prison?” I sighed and took his hand. So much for those particular tastes.

Mages Know Everything

This post should really be called 'fuck off, I was only 16 when I wrote this' or even 'why am I even posting this?' Those are both more indicative of the shitty writing coming your way. Written in 2008-ish. Characters that were featured in my first NaNoWriMo (that should tell you just how fabulous this piece is). ~~~ My head dropped as I saw the expression on his face. Jacob was furious but he had every right to be. He rose from the overstuffed throne as my mind riddled itself with questions. What kind of lover am I? I mean, I ran away. I always thought as a kid, 'What kind of incapable bastard (a.k.a. My ever loving father) could run away like that?" And now I'm just like him. After all of those years I turned out to be the person I hated the most. How screwed up is that? Slowly, almost grudgingly, I made my way to him, like a little kid that didn't want to leave home, to leave their safe haven. Truth be told, I had expected a lot worse. I expected the mage, and ruler of this country, to snap and throw things at me. "Where have you been? I've been worried sick." he stated simply. And so the guilt began. I couldn't respond to him. I just didn't have the heart. "Please..." His eyes begged me. They tore right through me. Finally, after a moment of contemplation I broke. I fell into his arms. Jacob broke me and he damn well knew it. "I didn't know what to do," I lied. I knew what I should have done. I should have told him. My head pounded. That tended to happen when my conscience was screaming at me to do the right thing. Tears filled my eyes but I wasn't about to let them out. Not in front of him. If it had been anyone else I wouldn't have even come back. He had to give me some credit for that. I really didn't even know why I came back here. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me to his chest. Now I remember. With my head against his shoulder I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent I had missed so much. You don't realize how long the days seem when all you try to do is not think about the person you need the most in your life. "What do you mean by that?" He chuckled and kissed the crown of my head, "What didn't you want to tell me?" Jacob had known me long enough to hear why I had run away from so many others. "I was beginning to worry you weren't coming back." At least he's in a better mood, I thought bitterly. I couldn't exactly say that I was. "I didn't think I was." He frowned at me. My voice rose a little higher than I had intended it to, "Jacob, you can't just have illegitimate children on the side. You're the God-forsaken king!" "Then marry me." He didn't miss a beat. He knew. The bastard knew and didn't tell me. Of course I couldn't really think ill of the man that changed my life in so many ways, but still, why didn't I think of that? He's a mage for crying out loud. He knows these things. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I forgot about the whole 'I'm a mage. I know things other people don't" thing. Then again, what can I say? I'm still just a city girl in a world that's not my own. "Be the blushing bride at my side, be the queen of this country, be my wife." Honestly, the last part scared me to death but I wasn't about to admit that. "I don't think you understand the gravity of this whole situation." I grumbled. Really, isn't it kind of early to be thinking about that? Sure Jacob and I have known each other for a little over three years, but we've only really had this kind of relationship for maybe a sixth of that time. Now he grumbled, "What do you think I did while you were gone? Not work, I assure you."  How his hands wound up in my hair still eludes me but nonetheless his lips found mine. I was still too tired in too much of a foul mood to kiss back but I'm pretty sure he knew that, being the wizard he is and all. "I'm in love with you and I'm asking you to marry me." His patience was wearing thin with me I could tell. Or maybe it was just the anticipation of my answer. "So...Will you?" "Jacob, I..." I saw the tension in his eyes as I spoke, finally I grinned and kissed him, my arms finally snaking around his waist, "Okay, your intentions are good, but the approach needs a little bit of work." He grinned now. "Is that a yes?" And for the first time since I had discovered what was taking place within me, I laughed, I truly laughed, "Of course it is." If the guard hadn't interrupted us we could have stayed like that for quite awhile, "Um, sire?" Poor guy didn't want to. Jacob's head snapped up but he didn't let go of me. Probably afraid I would leave again, "Yes?" The guard didn't raise his head. He was too ashamed of interrupting us, "Well, there's a visitor here. He said that he didn't necessarily have to meet with you today." He chuckled, "Just send him in." "Should I go?" I asked timidly. I kind of already knew the answer. I just didn't expect the delivery of the answer. A low growl escaped his chest sending a shiver down my spine, "No." He pressed his forehead to mine, “Sorry,” “You're right to want to keep an eye on me.” I admitted sheepishly. I watched the door creaked open then a dark shadow followed by its owner stepped in the room. His silky sweet voice rang out in the room as Jacob and I broke apart, “Am I interrupting something?” Some thing wasn't right about him but I couldn't put my finger on it. “No, not that we can't finish up later.” He glanced at me uneasily, signifying that he knew how I felt about the stranger in front of us, “What is your business here, traveler?” He grinned, “Please, your majesty, call me Fargo.” Fargo then bowed and continued, “I come bearing news about the small country of Shinra.” This time Jacob's smooth voice sounded unimpressed, “Care to share?” “We are entering a war soon, and have no supplies. We will make a generous offer for say, 200 weapons?” His dark eyes peered through his shoulder length hair at both me and Jacob. Jacob spoke cautiously, “I shall have to speak with the council.”


Setting: The beginning of an apocalypse in a big city. Groups have formed to try to contain the threats but they can only do so much. The demons come from another world and threaten to rip the lives of the citizens of Edenborough apart. Written in 2013-ish. ~~~ I couldn't tell you exactly why I felt safe with this man that I hadn't even known for twenty four hours but it might have had something to do with the fact that he'd saved my life. Ethan drove slowly, probably trying to limit our time with his raunchy brother. I hadn't quite warmed up to Evan as I had Ethan yet. Something about his sexual comments and bad first impressions. Not being able to bear the silence any longer I reached over and turned on the radio. I didn't ask. I figured if he didn't like it he could kick my ass out and make me walk. When he didn't complain I just let it stay on the station it was on, some rock station that I'd never listened to before. He seemed perfectly content and a part of me was thrilled by that. Hmm, who knew that I could live making other people happy. Then a thought struck me. "What made you pick nursing?" THe radio wasn't so loud that we couldn't hear each other. He glanced over at me and then back at the road. A tiny smirk splayed across his lips. "Do you really want to know?" I eyed him cautiously and nodded. "I'm not a good killing machine like my brother. He has no second thoughts but me... well, I do. Even if a demon is chasing me down, threatening me, and trying to kill me I always hesitate at least a little. They were all human at one point or another, some not so long ago. I want a way to save them, not send them to their graves for something that isn't their fault." I nodded slowly, mulling it over in my mind. I didn't have a response for that. Instead I looked it him out of the corner of my eye and nodded. He looked at me with his bright blue eyes, all the humor and happiness returning. "What about you? Why bookkeeping? Why not traveling the world or becoming an author?" I snorted. "Right, me, something meaningful. That's cute." Bitterness aside I continued on. "It fell into my lap really. I had worked at that bookstore for years. I started while I was still in school. One of the office ladies retired so they wanted to train me to fill in temporarily. Here I am six years later." I mused. "Not many people have life stories as boring as mine." "And yet here you are." He stated simply. No elaboration, no explanation, no reason. I turned in my seat and looked at him. "What do you mean by that?" We were nearly to the house and our conversation was winding down but I certainly didn't want it to. "You defended a group of mothers and their children, got attacked by a demon and lived to tell the tale." As we pulled up in front of the house he put it in park and stared at me. "Not many people have stories as interesting as yours." I didn't say anything until we got out of the car. Something about that irked me but I had no idea why.. Maybe I was still in denial about the whole demon thing or something. Before I pushed the door open I stopped on the step and turned to wait for him. "Thank you." I said simply, holding up the bag in my hand. He nodded and grinned at me. I pushed the door open, ready for Evan to have some snide comment about us being gone and alone together. Instead we didn't find him in the living room. Ethan turned to me as soon as he checked the kitchen. "Evan probably went to bed. He didn't have a nap like we did."  I stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room, bag of goodies in hand. "Take my bedroom." When I opened my mouth to protest he raised a hand. "You have to work in the morning. I do not. I insist." Flustered, and not entirely pleased with him I made a face. He looked at me expectantly. "What are you waiting for? It's nearly 11:00. You need to sleep." Some part of me had a sick sense of humor. THat part of me took over for all of five seconds. "We can share the bed. I mean, it's big enough." He shook his head as he leaned in the doorway of the kitchen. Meow, Talk about modeling career. "Go to bed my dear Erin. You need to at least rest." That stupid part of my brain was still in high gear. "Are you gay?" There's one way to make you hate yourself.. Ethan looked a bit shocked at first then that damn smirk made an encore appearance. He sautered closer and closer to me, much like an animal stalking its prey. Close enough to feel the heat of his body, he finally stopped. "I assure you," he took a breath,  "that I am very much not." He cupped a cheek in either hand and pressed his lips to mine, igniting a fire that hadn't been lit in a very long time. His actions were controlled and almost calculated but still enough to sweep me off my feet. I felt the cold air of the room reach my face again all too soon. "Go."